A Revenge on Absurdity
by m.peridot
Summary: The Hatake are unfortunately known for their geniuses. In which Kakashi has an estranged twin, but almost no one notices till chaos explodes.
1. Kakashi-sensei has a SISTER?

_Kakashi-sensei has a SISTER?! (title by Naruto)_

* * *

 **Note:** I have made a small change to the timeline: the Wave mission finished about three weeks before the Chuunin Exams. Besides that assume that the events have unfolded similarly to canon. Oh, and Kakashi wears the Hatake clan symbol in white on one of his sleeves – the other is the red spiral.

* * *

"We're going to visit my sister today!"

His eye was creased into a smile, as always, as if he didn't anticipate the chaos.

"EHHHH?! You have a SISTER?"

"Obviously, dobe."

It had been two days since Wave.

"Where does she live? Is she as strange as you? Does she read _Icha Icha?_ What does she look like? What's her name? What rank is she? – "

Kakashi ignored the torrent of questions.

In fact, he had been surprised when Akari had requested that he bring his team over by letter. She really didn't contact him that often; she prefered to stay far away from the shinobi world.

They had never been close mostly because they had never understood each other. Though they were twins, and rather alike in temperament (at least at first), they had completely contrasting mindsets. She was a civilian, the Head of their dead clan, and he was a shinobi, the Hokage's dog.

(And then there was their father…)

 _(But she was still pack.)_

"We're here!" he chirped, hiding his faint apprehension.

They arrived at a fairly large house (giant for a _house_ but rather small for a clan compound). Kakashi opened the door to the rather traditional house.

Akari was waiting for them, the tea on the low set, traditional tables.

"Kakashi." Her voice held the hint of apathy that she had always had, and Kakashi marveled at how she _really hadn't changed_.

"Akari~~ this is my genin team!" He forced the smile onto his face.

"I gathered."

His cute genin stumbled over themselves to introduce themselves. Akari always did have that effect; she anticipated without actually _seeming_ to anticipate, and people answered her unasked questions.

"Sit."

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Sasuke sitting in a perfect seiza form, and Sakura hissing at Naruto instructions on how to conduct himself.

Akari began cleaning the tea utensils with precise motions.

Kakashi sat down, straight-backed and attentive. His sister had always seemed to expect more of him, and simply being in their childhood home was making his neck prickle. He had the urge to escape, to run away, but brutally smashed that idea.

He didn't want to disappoint Akari (had never wanted to disappoint her) and didn't want her after his blood (not that she would be that _rash;_ no… she'd just make his life hell).

She placed the utensils down in their exact positions, and then began to prepare the thick tea. The silence was palpable, and Naruto was fidgeting with occasional jabs from Sakura. Sasuke was a statue.

When she finished, she handed the bowl to Kakashi, who rotated the bowl and drank, never taking his eyes off of his last surviving family. Then he cleaned the rim and passed it to Sasuke who did the same. Then Sakura and finally Naruto, who's attempts to emulate their motions were painfully obvious. He handed the bowl to Akari and looked unsure.

Akari took the bowl without judgement and left the room.

Unexpectedly, it was Sakura who spoke up.

"Kakashi-sensei, why are we _here_?"

He looked morosely at the table.

"She was the one who asked to see you. And as the Clan Head – and as my elder by twenty minutes – she had every right to see my wards."

"Wards?"

This was Sasuke, incredulous and disbelieving.

"Apparently. Jonin-sensei have partial responsibility over their genin. Remember before Wave when I told Iruka-san that you were my soldiers? It's true in a legal sense. I am responsible for you."

The genin were silent; Kakashi-sensei was being oddly serious.

Akari came back with the tabako-bon and higashi and served them the thin tea.

"So, tell me about yourselves." Her gaze landed on Naruto first.

*I*I*

"I'm Uzumaki Naruto! I like ramen and pranking people, and my dream is to be Hokage!"

His voice might have wavered a little (unsure and uncomfortable in the highly formal situation), but no one would notice, right?

Naruto stared at Kakashi-sensei's sister. She looked almost exactly like Kakashi did – her build was a little more feminine, and her hair was straight and sleek, but besides that they seemed like… twins.

She had Kakashi-sensei's height, his face, and his fingers. (His eyes were had been drawn to her hands when she methodically cleaned the bowl, spoon, and that other thing. Why had she done that? They looked plenty clean…) Akari-san was wearing a formal grey kimono…. She also had round, delicate glasses – the kind that no shinobi would wear – and she wasn't wearing a hitai-ate.

So he blurted out, without thinking, into the awkward silence:

"Hey Lady, are you a shinobi?"

Sakura glared at him for his question and Sasuke-teme looked more constipated than he usually did.

"No."

The answer was curt, but not _mean_ , and wow, Naruto hadn't know that that was _possible_.

And then he realized what bothered him about the woman.

Because she looked so much like Kakashi-sensei, he had sorta expected her to act like him; maybe a little distant, but also joking, laid-back, and kinda crazy. But she hadn't. She had Kakashi's uncaring feel, but also seemed _really_ intense. And unlike Sensei, she was paying attention to them.

Paying attention to them a little _too_ much.

*I*I*

Sakura almost hit Naruto for his comment (though Inner had also been curious) because they were clearly in a semi-formal situation, and Naruto just _stank_ of uncouth behavior.

(Of course, Sasuke-kun was _perfect_ as always.)

She would never have expected Kakashi-sensei's sister to be so _aristocratic_. (A part of her wished that she was more like her, Sasuke-kun would like formal ladies, right?) And the fact that she was a _civilian_ had honestly never occurred to her; Sensei basically breathed the shinobi lifestyle, for her to not be…

And yet she was the Clan Head. Sakura was pretty impressed (and shaking in her feet – as her shoes were outside the room).

"My name is Haruno Sakura…"

Oh god, she _refused_ to introduce herself like she had done on the rooftop when they had met Sensei. That would be so embarrassing in front of this elegant woman.

"I like syrup-covered anmitsu, reading, and knowing interesting facts about random things… My dream is to become a strong kunoichi and get to jonin."

Akari nodded at her and then turned to Sasuke.

(Inner crowed in triumph; they had succeeded in not embarrassing their self!)

She suddenly realized that Kakashi-sensei _hadn't been late to the meeting_. How important was his sister? He was late the mission desk – and was even late to the Wave mission briefing, _which had been overseen by the Hokage!_

Sakura looked at Sensei's sister with a newfound admiration.

*I*I*

Sasuke could honestly say that he was surprised to hear Sakura's response. He had cringed, waiting for the same introduction that she had given when they'd become a team, and was shocked when he heard something totally different.

Her voice was different too, more serious and mature. (Sasuke hadn't known that Sakura _had_ thoughts beyond attraction to him and dislike towards Naruto.)

But it was… nice, in a way, that she had chosen to introduce herself and not her obsession.

"Hajimemashite. My name is Uchiha Sasuke," he said, his voice clear and formal (the way his mother had taught – _nodon'tthinkaboutthatDON'TTHINK_ – )

"I have few things that I enjoy. I hate fangirls" and betrayal "I don't have a dream, but I do have an ambition: to revive my clan and kill a certain person. Dozo yoroshiku onegaishimasu."

Akari simply looked at him, assessing, and he fought a shiver and straightened.

(She felt like _that man_ , had the same light in her eyes that _he_ had had that night and he wanted to _run_ , wanted to _get out_.)

He wasn't surprised that Kakashi hadn't told them about his sister – he knew that Sensei was extremely secretive about his personal life, like most shinobi. But he was surprised that Sensei even had a sister – he seemed to be alone and the fact that one of the first places he had shown them was the _Memorial Stone_ said quite a lot.

He was even _more_ surprised that Sensei's sister was a civilian, because his instincts were screaming _danger_.

*I*I*

"Hajimemashite."

Akari was being too formal – usually she disliked pleasantries (except for tea, of course) – but today had been oddly _stifling_.

"I am Hatake Akari, Head of the Hatake Clan and your Sensei's older twin."

When had he seen her last? Was it a year ago? Perhaps more? It had been a _short_ visit, of that he was sure.

"Yoroshiku onegaishimasu."

Why had he agreed to come again?

"As I'm sure my brother had explained to you," and here she glanced at him, as if she _knew_ he had only explained this a few moments ago, "you are partially his wards, and therefore I am partially your Clan Head. I wanted to meet those that my brother took under his wing, which is why I called you here."

Oh, he had a _bad feeling_ about this…

"Starting next week, you will meet me twice a week, provided you are not on an overnight mission, to learn your responsibilities as wards of the Hatake Clan and its representatives. I will talk to Kakashi about the specific times. Sasuke – I will also teach you about clan leadership and management – I doubt that anyone has _taught_ you" She almost spat the words while her face remained scarily blank, the ever-present apathy still showing, and Kakashi had a moment to curse in his head. "and you must know as the Head of the Uchiha Clan."

And there it was. His preminitions were _always_ right.

"Naruto – we will be discussing how your status as an orphan changes your legal position and the choices you have as a ward of the Hatake clan."

Akari had always had an eerily even voice, and Kakashi would say that she could probably conceal her emotions better than ANBU when she wanted to. (She wasn't even _trying_ today and he could barely read her.)

"Sakura, as your guardians remain your parents, though you _are_ considered to be a legal adult in many ways, we will be considering how far you want to take this association with the Hatake Clan."

(The higashi was almost all gone – Kakashi could have sworn that he saw Naruto eat at least half the plate.)

His genin team looked both solemn and rather excited.

Kakashi sighed.

This could only lead to chaos and _more_ chaos.

* * *

 **A/N:** "Hajimemashite," which is "Nice to meet you," and "Dozo yoroshiku onegaishimasu," which is "Please take care of me," are part of formal Japanese greetings. I felt that I needed them to show the difference between the three genin. Sasuke, who had been brought up in an almost aristocracy, knows exactly what to do and how to talk in this kind of situation. Sakura is at least polite and can easily adapt. And Naruto… has no idea what's going on because he's never been taught manners or etiquette.

Also please tell me how I'm doing; constructive criticism is always welcomed :)


	2. How to suddenly make momentum negligible

_How to suddenly make momentum negligible (title by Kakashi)_

* * *

After his genin team had left, Kakashi sat across from his sister in a rather uncomfortable silence.

Akari finally broke the silence.

"You should have visited earlier."

Kakashi winced. He really hadn't known about the legal implications of becoming a jonin-sensei, because almost _no one_ looked through the various laws to find obscure meanings to fairly normal procedures. The partial wards thing were probably written after a very particular scenario and on a whim – the Second had penned almost half of all Konoha's laws and while usually he had been very thorough, he missed a few loopholes here and there (perhaps on purpose).

After all, who actually went through the Archives and read all the laws there?

… Akari.

It was the Hatake intelligence and perfect memory, Kakashi thought gloom descending on him. At two, Akari had begun to read and shown almost no interest in the children's stories, going immediately to nonfiction. " _What's the point of stories?"_ she had asked in a high-pitched voice. " _They're not real. They aren't_ pragmatic _."_

At that time, he had begun shinobi training – theory first and then application, and his father, who had _really_ not known how to raise a little girl, had just nodded and encouraged all her pursuits. He regretted it later when Akari found a clause in Article II Section IV in the portion of the law detailing clans and their relationship to Konoha that stated that the Head of a _Shinobi_ Clan did not have to be a shinobi. (Or rather, it _didn't_ say one _had_ to be a shinobi; it listed all the other requirements, but _not,_ oddly enough, that one. And the Clan Head was on the Council, and therefore had the clearance of a jonin, at the least… and was considered an adult.)

Akari had immediately refused to go to the Academy. She still trained with them, physically and learning the theory along with Kakashi, but she refused to try to earn a hitai-ate. (She went to a prestigious civilian school instead and graduated five years early at eleven.)

Their father had been crushed.

Before Kakashi had learned that it was illegal to share information about the shinobi arts to civilians (but when had Akari _ever_ been a civilian) he had given her multiple chakra exercises, corrected her taijutsu, and showed her ninjutsu. (He was sure that she _had_ known about the law, just had never told him.) He'd answered questions about politics and the shinobi system, till she was basically on jonin-level in regards to knowledge of Konoha's workings.

He regretted _so much_.

(But he was grateful that she became Clan Head – he didn't think he could have born it after their father – )

"I hadn't known about the legalities."

"Aah."

"How did you find out?"

She raised her eyebrow, because _that_ was clearly a ploy to fill the silence, but answered.

"Learned it while researching about my obligations. And Gai."

He choked. "G-Gai?"

"Yes. Last year he dropped by and asked if he could legally adopt one of his genin, who was an orphan. I told him that his genin were at least partially already under his care. I promised to look further into it and found that orphans are almost mostly under their jonin-sensei's care – thus why you can check their homes without their permission and can also control, to some extent, their activities _without_ written consent." An implied ' _why didn't you know or investigate this'_ was in her tone. "I told Gai he only needed to fill out a few forms, and his poor orphan genin was his heir and dependent."

Kakashi stared.

(His brain was trying to reboot from the idea that _Gai_ had visited his sister more than he had. And that he had _asked legal advice_ from her, which implied that he knew her fairly well.)

(Thank goodness that there was almost zero chance of any romance between them. He might have had a heart attack.)

"I plan for you to do the same for Naruto, if he agrees. Namikaze is a civilian name, and Uzumaki was never a _Konoha_ clan."

Her eyes sharpened.

(He knew her dislike of the Third's policies.)

"Unless, of course, _you_ are getting married anytime soon."

" _No._ "

"That's what I thought. If you do ever discover that you have bastard children, they will be the second heir and clan dependents."

Kakashi choked again.

"What about you?" he challenged, once he had regained his bearings.

(Don't think about AkarixGai, _don'tthinkaboutit!_ )

"I suppose it's still a possibility, small as it may be. If I ever marry, my spouse will not be part of the Hatake, and I will keep my name. My children, if I have any, will be heir – it's legally more sound – but Naruto will be next in succession and of course, gain the benefits of having the backing of a clan."

She smiled thinly. Kakashi gave her a deadpan look.

They discussed the status of the genin and their clan for about an hour and a half more, before Akari abruptly changed the subject.

"How was Wave?"

Kakashi summarized their mission. He cringed, expecting her to show disapproval of how he had handled the situation, but Akari only leaned forward in interest.

"So how did Gato get into power?"

"… what?"

"You must have some idea."

"… no. I really don't."

"It's odd because the businesses I've been keeping an eye on in that area all _moved_ a few years ago. They cited inconsistent reasons, but I hadn't even _heard_ of Gato until today. There's something wrong about the situation, and I can't put my finger on it."

Akari's voice had dropped all of its usual apathy. Kakashi was taken aback; his sister almost _never_ had that level of interest – she was worse than a Nara (though she was by no means as lazy).

This was _big_.

"He's disposed of, and the Bridge is complete, so trade should be opening soon. The Hokage will probably negotiate a trade agreement with Wave to compensate for the mission rank change."

"Talking about mission rank, _how_ did Intel not pick up on this?"

Kakashi understood. Between Intel's mistake and Akari's network failure, there was something very disturbing about the information sink that had existed in Wave.

(One of the reasons that Kakashi had continued on the mission after the Demon Brothers had attacked them was because, no matter Tazuna's claims of the drug lord and company head, Kakashi had thought that if Intel hadn't picked up on the odd C-rank-that-wasn't-really-a-C-rank then it was probably not _that_ serious. And since his genin really did need more experience, he had continued. By the time Zabuza hit, Kakashi, who still thought like an ANBU infiltration, assassination, and tracking specialist, made an executive decision to continue, because _they needed more information._ But he hadn't found any, rather distracted by his genin's almost deaths – because he had forgotten that they _were_ genin and had acted as _ANBU Captain_ instead of as jonin-sensei.)

"I don't know."

The twins stared at each other, grim – because, for all their differences, for all their inability to understand and connect to each other, they were _prodigies_. They had finely honed instincts, and though from different worlds, shinobi and civilian, they didn't doubt each other.

Akari had an excellent network of civilian merchants and prominent families – Kakashi didn't know how deep they went, but he knew that they had started from the Hatake's allies and had simply grown. She could tell you the economic potential of almost any location and could infer why it was that way. She knew civilian (and to some extent shinobi) politics and law like the back of her hand.

And Intel… was _Intel_.

They wouldn't have been blocked by a reasonably influential civilian like Gato. They wouldn't have just _not known_ about a reasonably influential civilian like Gato.

They would have told him; hell, _he'd have known_. He had _been_ in ANBU when Gato had apparently risen to power.

Something was very wrong about this situation.

*I*I*

When he got home, _late_ , by the way, he immediately summoned his pack. They greeted him, as always, with wagging tails and lolling tongues and gathered for ritual petting and pampering.

He collapsed on the large bed, the dogs are climbing up to be beside him. The day was catching up to him – the fact that he was now _responsible_ for his genin on top of the Wave situation crashed down on him.

Pakkun – it was always Pakkun – was the one who noticed. He sniffed _twice_ , which simply showed how little he and his sister interacted, didn't it?

"You visited Akari today."

He sighed. "Yes."

"Boss." Pakkun's voice held a warning.

"She told me legal implications of being a jonin-sensei."

Pakkun padded onto his chest, circled twice, and sat down.

"And?"

"I am responsible for both Naruto and Sasuke and partially responsible for Sakura."

It was a dead voice, and Pakkun knew the implications.

His fingers carded through the dog's short fur.

Kakashi had never been _courageous_. He had never been _brave._ Kakashi was a runner – he avoided his problems and had layers upon layers of masks and facades – and Akari had _always_ been able to see through them all. She usually did nothing; she didn't consider it her business, but _sometimes_ , she would intervene (when it benefitted _her_ ).

He had not been ready for the responsibilities of a jonin-sensei, and he sure as _hell_ wasn't ready to be a guardian, to be a _parental figure_.

But Akari hadn't given him a choice (like the Third hadn't given him a choice). (For good reasons and he couldn't feel angry at her for doing what he loathed himself for not doing. He just felt dead. He hated it when his running caught up with him.)

His voice came out a horse whisper.

"Pakkun, what do I do?"

"Be their jonin-sensei."

Kakashi huffed in amusement.

"Maa, that does seem like the only thing I _can_ do, doesn't it?"

*I*I*

"Gai. Thank you for dropping by."

"Akari-San! It is most Youthful for you to invite me over!"

She nodded in acquiescence.

They were at the kitchen table, and she set a plate of cookies on the surface, motioning for Gai to take one.

"But why have you called me here?"

"I need you to look after my wayward brother. I'm afraid that I stopped his running, and now he doesn't know how to stand still."

Gai looked solemn; an image rather ruined by the cookie crumbs adorning his face.

"I will keep an eye on my Eternal Rival! Please do not worry, Akari-San, I am sure his Youth will prevail in the end!"

"Perhaps. At any rate, I will not worry, but thank you for your concern."

Gai gave her a Thumbs-Up. A sunset threatened to form behind him, but one glare from Akari stopped its pathetic attempt to solidify.

"I also need you to give him this…"

* * *

 **A/N:** Not sure that I characterised Kakashi properly… oh well. At least he's stopped running?

What do you think of Akari?

I actually got the idea for her by browsing on this website – but I can't remember the name of the fanfic. I didn't even read it, just skimmed the summary, had a revelation – _Kakashi should_ totally _get an older sister_ – and rushed to open a blank document.

So thank you random fanfic author for inspiring me.


	3. Why didn't anyone tell me this?

_Why didn't anyone tell me this? (title by Sasuke)_

* * *

Sasuke went home conflicted.

He hadn't truly thought about what being the _last_ of his clan meant. Sure, he'd had the vague idea that he should rebuild his clan after he killed _that man_ , but somehow it had never really been a real possibility. (He would have given his life to kill _that man_ , he would have gone after him with a single-minded vengeance, tunnel-vision [suicidal, the voices whisper]. But now… Akari-san [Hatake-dono] had forcibly wrecked the eerily comforting darkness of his one-way path, a Doton jutsu leveling the walls and Sasuke saw the world that he had wanted to ignore.

Because he _was_ clan head – or at least heir. Actually, he didn't even know his legal position in that regard, and how strange, _how wrong_ , was that?

 _Why hadn't anyone told him about the responsibilities of running a clan?_ Because Akari and Kakashi were clearly the last of the Hatake, and it was clear to him that _she_ still had many responsibilities….

(He had thought that, because his clan was effectively dead, that Clan Head was simple a paper position – granting him prestige but not amounting to anything. He had not truly thought.)

Now that he thought about it, beside the one visit after he made genin that told him he now had main access to the clan's finances, his childhood was completely devoid of instruction in his responsibilities, benefits, and legal implications.

(He wasn't to know till later, but _that_ oversight was due to the Third wishing for him to have an "unburdened childhood." Akari would sneer as she told him that tidbit. He would be highly offended; he hadn't had an "unburdened childhood" since _that man_ murdered his family and clan. In fact, he might have appreciated the distraction from his nightmares.)

He made a decision that day that he would seize this opportunity to learn as much as he could about what being Clan Head _really meant_.

(And so, the seeds of something _other_ than revenge were sowed and would compete with his more reckless impulses.)

*I*I*

Kakashi's eyebrow twitched.

Gai wasn't even being subtle (though when had Gai _ever_ been subtle) and this marked the fifth time that he had caught him following him.

Every time he noticed that Kakashi had noticed him, he'd revert to his original _nice guy_ pose and challenge him to a duel. Kakashi then would try desperately to ignore him, but it would only cause an explosion of " _ARGH! My Rival is so Cool and Hip!"_ which _wasn't_ an improvement.

Oh, and apparently Gai had visited his sister, because the first time that Kakashi had "coincidentally" met him, he'd given him a scroll. Or rather, _several_ scrolls. The note on the front said, rather snidely, that he could always henge them into his beloved _Icha Icha_ books and read them while he was being lazy.

(They detailed all the legal technicalities of being a jonin-sensei and many suggestions, courtesy of Akari, on what to do.)

(He decided that this was Akari's not-so-subtle way of getting back at him for not visiting when he passed his first genin team. And also giving him leeway to not attend his genins' lessons… well, more covering her bases because she'd probably predicted he'd skip them. He'd already told them the times at when Akari would teach them, and had already planned not to come.)

"YOUTH! We meet again, my Hip and Cool Eternal Rival!"

Kakashi flipped open what _looked_ like his _Icha Icha_. It was not, of course, but no one _needed_ to know that he was being serious for once.

( _Especially_ Akari.)

"I CHALLENGE YOU TO A MOST EXTREME AND STRENUATING TEST!"

"I'll pass."

Tears ran torrents down Gai's face.

"I WILL MAKE MY ETERNAL RIVAL ACKNOWLEDGE ME, or I WILL RUN TWO HUNDRED LAPS AROUND KONOHA!"

Kakashi sighed. He _definitely_ wouldn't be able to concentrate of Akari's legal wit with Gai next to him, so he took the lesser of the two evils and accepted Gai's much too enthusiastic Challenge. He would get rid of him faster and therefore would be able to focus on the scrolls.

Technically, it should have been a win-win situation.

Gai took win-win situations and ground them into the dust with his, ahem, extreme methods.

Kakashi wondered what he was doing as he passed the starting point for the third time on his hands and covered in pink glitter.

*I*I*

The three genin were arguing in front of the gate to the Hatake Compound.

"Dobe, you can't just barge in."

"What do you know about it, teme?! Sensei told us to come here for the lesson!"

"Sasuke-kun is right, Naruto-baka! It would be rude to just barge into Akari-san's house."

This state of affairs continued for several minutes.

Right at the appointed time, Akari appeared.

"You should never enter a clan compound without permission – in my case, I have several lethal wards that I needed to key you to – but you are my students now, and from now on I expect you to be in the living room by the appointed time."

The boys huffed and looked away from each other.

"Come."

She lead the way inside.

The genin noticed that she was wearing _much_ more casual clothing than when they had last seen her. She was wearing a dark red shirt and tan pants that reached halfway up her calves and still looked as imposing as she had at their first meeting.

She lead the way into a different room than the one they had been in before. It was definitely less formal, and had Western style couches and a table, as well as the walls being crammed with bookshelves that were all full of various papers and documents.

There were mugs of tea on the table and cookies. Naruto immediately took two.

"This is where most of our lessons will take place. Any book, scroll, or paper in this room is for your benefit; it is up to your initiative as to how you will use them. You may call me Akari-sensei during and after these lessons."

She sat down on the couch and the genin followed her example.

"Let's start with defining your current position in general terms. Do you know the legal meaning of ward?"

At their blank looks, she continued to speak.

"A ward is a person – usually a minor, which is anyone under the age of sixteen who is yet a chuunin – who has a guardian appointed by the court to care for and take responsibility for that person. A governmental agent – in this case your jonin-sensei – may take partial custody of a minor for his/her protection and care if the child is a shinobi with little to no direct shinobi influence or is an orphan. Such a child is a 'ward of the state'."

"So… what about clan children?" This was Sakura, sounding hesitantly curious.

"To answer that question, we'd have to go a little deeper into the complex relation that exists between the state, that is Konoha, and the clans. But the simple answer is that clans have priority to their children, provided that they are not orphans without close family."

"Oh… okay."

"In this case, Sasuke and Naruto exist as wards under the orphan clause, and Sakura, as her parents are civilians, is a ward due to a lack of shinobi influence."

The genin were quiet, digesting that information.

"This means that my brother can assume lawful authority to make all medical decisions and some legal ones on your behalf. Medical usually in this context deals with your physical state – so training and injuries that you sustain because you are shinobi. He also has access to your medical files; this in theory will give him insight into your physical limits as well as your growth, and he will, in theory, be able to more comprehensively train you."

This time it was Naruto who interrupted.

"But aren't we 'adults' when we become genin?"

"Yes. But you only have the same status as a civilian adult – you can date, have sex" – the genin blushed – "drink alcohol, stay up all night, go to bars, etc.; however in the shinobi capacity, to be an adult you must be either chuunin or sixteen."

(or ANBU – but they had their own rules.)

"Some legal decisions… what does that mean?"

Sasuke leaned forward, discarding apathy for undisguised interest as to what her answer would be to his question. Naruto grabbed another cookie.

"It mostly refers to information – your jonin-sensei can, with discretion, decide what to disclose to you and make sure that it won't detrimentally affect your career. He also has the final say, provided the Hokage doesn't override him, on your promotion to chuunin and is a large part of the process of becoming jonin. In the case of politics, your sensei is your representative; if you "screw up" he will help decide proper punishment and, at times, also be penalized for your conduct. In your case, Sasuke, Kakashi is also technically your representative on the Council – but I doubt that he knew of it. Most people have forgotten the details of being a jonin-sensei that are laid out legally."

Akari picked up her mug of tea. Her eyes were apathetic, complimenting her voice, but somehow the genin found themselves enraptured by her words.

"As wards of the state, and more importantly, wards of the Hatake clan, I, as the Head, can offer you a home, money for shinobi supplies, and other necessities. You will need to choose the extent that you want to associate with my clan. If any of you feel the need to move, I can help you to find your own place in a shinobi district or open up the Compound. If you wish to give a formal declaration of marriage, I can vouch for you and arrange terms. There's more, but we will deal with specific instances as they rise up. In return, I insist that you represent the clan well. None of you must, or should, change your last name, but I will be providing you with formal and casual clothing bearing the Hatake symbol – Sasuke, you can either choose to wear it as a sign of your acceptance of the goodwill of the our clan, or you can simply leave the Uchiwa as your only defining mark. However for Naruto and Sakura, I must insist that you wear the Hatake symbol with pride and grace."

Naruto was smiling widely. "Of course I will, dattebayo!"

"I will too." Sakura was quieter, likely thinking about the information that Akari had just dumped on them. She wondered what her family would think, as a civilian clan and a merchant business.

"I will… think about it." Sasuke's face was blank, emotionless (and thus showing his immense internal conflict).

"Good. You will also need to learn of the Hatake network throughout Konoha – or our dependents, families and others that have allied with us. Many of these people come from agreements before the Founding. When you go on missions out of the village, you should attempt strengthen ties with them – but that comes later. Sasuke – we will talk about the Uchiha network some other time."

Sakura finally gave in and took a cookie as Naruto proceeded to devour another one. Sasuke was nursing his tea.

"Naruto – if you are serious about pursuing the Hokage's seat, when you do decide to start gaining allies, the Hatake will be the first to support you. Likewise, Sasuke, the Hatake clan will be allied with the Uchiha no matter whether you chose to wear our symbol."

Naruto looked shaken. "You'd really do that?"

"Yes."

He took a deep breath and rushed to Akari, hugging her fiercely.

"Thank you, _thankyouthankyouTHANKYOU!"_

Akari somehow didn't even look phased. Her expression hadn't even changed, but the others thought they saw perhaps a slight softening in her eyes as she looked down on the blond.

After Naruto had gained a semblance of composure he sat back down.

Akari continued, as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

"There are papers if you want to solidify your place in the Hatake compound; I suggest you read over them very carefully and think hard about whether you truly want to bind your association with my clan."

She reached to one of the shelves and took out a sheaf of papers.

"If you have any questions, do not hesitate to ask. Do not _ever_ sign a document that you have not read through; you might be forced into doing something you do not like, and it is no one's fault but yours."

She handed three packets to the genin.

"Don't mix these up. Due to each of your unique situations, some of the papers apply only to you. Meet me in next week, with or without your decision."

Akari stood up and after a moment the genin did too. They were clearly being dismissed.

Naruto almost _bounced_ to the door, Sakura said "Thank you!" and Sasuke bowed.

The door closed.

* * *

 **A/N:** This note is to answer some questions.

Yes, Akari is reincarnated, but she doesn't really remember her past life, and definitely _didn't_ read or watch Naruto. She studied macro and micro economic theory and worked as an advisor to a few businesses, including two international ones. This accounts for her rather distinctive way of looking at the Hidden Villages and states in the Narutoverse. Honestly, her life was somewhat boring and will not feature into the story a lot, as she _is_ a genius and so any odd developments are attributed to that.

No, she doesn't wear a mask. Sorry. I thought about it, but considering that she isn't a shinobi, I thought that it might be a bit impossible for her (as she can't really apply genjutsu or move _that_ fast), but she does like to hide her face (scarves, especially in winter and fall), or use makeup to change how she looks.

And finally, no, Kakashi is not inept. He just has an extremely _different_ skill set than Akari, so his strengths aren't emphasized as much (at least in the first part).

Oh, and Akari _doesn't_ live away from society. She lives in the Hatake Compound. (You know, the one that Sakumo kills himself in? Yeah. That one.) Her network will be explained, but she doesn't just stay at home.

The Council isn't _directly_ a shinobi institution, rather it is to govern the _whole_ of Konoha… this will also be indirectly explained _later_.

Thank you for all your reviews! Please don't expect updates to be as fast as the last few days – this is honestly an anomaly, and my muse is rather fickle. I was simply feeling extremely impatient and excited to get this story started.

(Also, I do not have a beta reader, so if you see any glaring mistakes, inconsistencies in plot, etc., could you alert me?)


	4. Wait, how do YOU know Akari-sensei?

Wait, how do YOU know Akari-sensei? (title by Sakura)

Sakura wasn't nervous, per say. She was just taking her time to go into the living room where both her parents were.

(She didn't know how they'd react. She was asking to become a shinobi clan's ward; what if they were offended or hurt? If it came down to it, she would reluctantly choose family over the various benefits of Akari-sensei's proposal.)

Taking a deep breath, she opened the door and stepped outside her bedroom and made her way to the living room.

"Kaa-san? Tou-san? I have to talk to you about something."

And then Sakura explained everything that she'd learned. Perhaps she rambled a bit, but considering that she was nervous, she didn't think that she did too bad.

"… did you say Akari-dono?"

"Yeah… Do you know her?"

Her father looked at her mother with a smile. "Remember, dear, when I had told you about the Konoha based consultant?"

"Oh, the woman who helped you choose where to sell to?"

Sakura head rebounded from one parent to the other.

"Consultant? What? Wait… you _really_ _do_ KNOW Akari-sensei?"

"Well, I didn't know who you were talking about first because you kept referring to her as 'Hatake-dono' but yes. I doubt there's any merchant in Konoha who _doesn't_ know about her."

"What." Sakura deadpanned.

"Akari-dono is famous for having a _genius_ sense of the market and economy – people she gives advice to are always successful."

"What."

"Anyways dear, I have no objection at _all_ if you choose to become her ward! I was a bit worried when you said 'shinobi clan' but with Akari-dono, well, that's simply a great honor! Right dear?"

Her father looked over to her mother.

"Of course! Sakura, I also give all of my permission to you."

"What."

*I*I*

Sakura was still in a daze when they met for team training the next day.

She didn't even yell at Kakashi-sensei for being late.

"–kura? Sakura!"

"… ano, Sensei? Your twin is terrifying."

"What are you talking about, Sakura-chan? Akari-sensei" – here Kakashi choked, _sensei?_ – "is AWESOME, -ttebayo!"

"I never said she wasn't," Sakura said faintly. "But she is also terrifying."

"Hn."

She couldn't even bring herself to crow in triumph at getting Sasuke to agree with her.

Kakashi sighed.

"How did you come to that conclusion?"

"Sensei, did you know that your sister knows _all the merchants in Konoha_? Oh, and can _accurately_ predict the market _in foreign countries?_ _And_ works as a _consulting service?"_

"… she has interesting hobbies, Sakura. Don't worry too much about it."

He ruffled her hair. She didn't even try to dodge.

"Oh, I'm not _worried!"_ Sakura's voice was steadily rising in pitch. "Why would I be _worried?!_ Akari-dono is perhaps the _most important person in Konoha's non-shinobi economy, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US?!"_

"Maa, is she really?"

" _YES!_ "

Kakashi winced and shunshinned out of range before she started punching things.

*I*I*

Sasuke and Naruto looked in horror at the smoking training ground.

Their eyes met, and they came to the conclusion that they would _never_ do anything to piss Sakura off.

(Kakashi was impressed. Sakura was unconsciously augmenting her limbs with chakra while emitting an extremely low powered, environmental genjutsu that slightly altered people's perceptions to suggest that the training ground was more destroyed than it actually was (it was almost like Gai's sunset, now that he thought of it). That could be useful if she ever got it under control. Oh, and she was leaking copious amounts of killing intent. But he doubted that she had enough stamina and chakra capacity to keep going like that – )

Sakura suddenly dropped like marionette cut off from its chakra strings.

The boys rather warily approached her.

"Kakashi-sensei? Is she…"

"She's unconscious," Kakashi said flippantly.

"Oh, good."

"Hn."

When they finally looked up, they found a conspicuously empty Kakashi-shaped space.

There was a moment of silence before Naruto exploded.

"WHAT SORT OF SENSEI JUST LEAVES HIS STUDENT UNCONSCIOUS ON THE TRAINING GROUNDS AND DISAPPEARS?!"

A sigh. Sasuke clearly hadn't expected as much from the man as Naruto.

"Dobe, let's just take her to the hospital."

Naruto looked like he was about to run off, track their bastard-sensei down, and enact a terrible and horrifying revenge, but he deflated at Sasuke's words.

"Yeah, okay."

*I*I*

Sakura woke up to white walls and a _pounding_ headache. The hospital?

Oh right. She might have gone a bit overboard.

Whoops.

"You're awake!"

A certain, hyperactive blond idiot stopped his pacing by her bed. Sasuke-kun – he had come! – was sitting on the chair reading through the documents that Akari-sensei had given them.

Naruto started ranting about how mean Kakashi-sensei had been to leave her passed out in the middle of the training ground. (She secretly agreed – Sensei was _nothing_ like his sister, and was lazy and annoying to boot.)

"The nurse said that you'd only exhausted yourself and that you'd be better after a few hours."

(Eeeek – Sasuke-kun had talked to her!)

"Thank you," she said shyly.

"Hn."

*I*I*

In the end, they all made good use of Akari's open invitation to visit whenever they were confused about their papers.

(Well, they had first asked Kakashi, but after finding out that he has absolutely _no_ idea about _anything_ – "Maa, sorry, my cute minions. I suggest you just bother Akari." – they decided the best course of action was to go to the expert. Each on their own, of course.)

Naruto visited a total of twelve times (a few of those visits were just to borrow the study's books [especially when he couldn't find Akari-sensei], which included a legal dictionary that was later passed to Sasuke and finally Sakura), Sakura a total of five, and Sasuke, three (however, his visits were the longest by far.)

And they all ended signing the papers.

Naruto was the first one finished, being driven by a combination of excitement and longing, and having used at least two other shadow clones to read with him. The real Naruto had read every single word, of course – he wasn't going to take the chance that his clones had skipped or misread something – so every section of the thick sheaf of papers was read at least three times. (Akari had been pleasantly surprised – not that she showed it – having access to all his files, his Academy scores especially, she had expected him to go at a much slower pace than the others. But Naruto had kept up and wasn't afraid to ask her multitudes of questions, and she found herself feeling fond at his enthusiasm.)

Sakura was next. Rather creeped out by her parents and their behavior, and due to the day spent in the hospital, it took her a bit longer than it should have. If you were to look into her room, the pink-themed walls would have been witness to an explosion of semi-organized documents and books from the library. Notes were scribbled on every blank piece of paper in rainbow colors and each of the papers in the packet Akari-sensei had handed to them was read, carefully, twice.

Sasuke was last, not because he had trouble reading or understanding the papers, but rather because of severe internal conflict between a part of him that had wanted himself to remain solely Uchiha (Akari-sensei had thoughtfully added a document that would emancipate him from the Hatake clan if he so wished) and the part of him which saw the benefits of having two identities – one of a Hatake ward and the other of the next Head of the Uchiha clan. (It had been the second visit when Akari-sensei had told him, brusquely and firmly that no matter which way he chose, she would still teach him about Headship. " _It would be an atrocity to allow you to flounder."_ He could tell there was more to that statement but didn't pry.) (There had been nightmares – _but weren't there always?_ – as forgotten memories from his life before the Massacre surfaced as he drew near to his decision.)

But he decided to sign the papers and become a ward of the Hatake clan in the end.

*I*I*

Akari walked slowly into the Administration Building.

Her grey hair was up in a tight bun, and she had applied makeup to make her look decades older and to hide her distinctive facial feature (the resemblance to her brother and her father was _uncanny_ ). Her usually flawless posture and grace were gone, she approached the desk uncertainty and unsteadily. In short, she was unremarkable and easily forgotten. (It helped that she was _clearly_ wearing civilian clothes.)

It was the middle of the morning of the busiest day of the week – when most of the paperwork was sorted and filed. The Administration building was crowded, busy and harried.

Akari handed her papers to the most stressed clerk she could find and hid a too intense gaze behind a vapid expression.

The clerk barely saw her, looked at the papers, and groaned when he figured out that they had to be filed in the Archives. Moving rather impressively quickly, he disappeared, using the passageway to the Archives and going through several checkpoints with the immense stack of legal documents. In a practiced motion, he found the shelves he needed and quickly, efficiently opened the files and shoved the respective documents in.

The seemingly old woman nodded in satisfaction as the clerk once again emerged and was swept up into the frenzy.

Later that day, the Third found himself swamped in paperwork regarding the economy and various businesses. A third of the way into the stack he came across a multipage document that needed to be signed – skimming through the first few pages and determining that the rest would only be a pain to read over, he flipped through the dozens of pages, all stapled together, signing wherever his signature was indicated. This took about two minutes. After he finished half of the stack, it was already the end of the day, and he went home, never thinking twice about the amount of paperwork

The paperwork was sorted the very next day by the overworked secretary (who was a retired _ANBU_ goddammit – _why_ was she doing _paperwork?!_ ) and the documents were returned to Akari, who took the staples out of the forty-seven page document, teasing out the three most important pages that proclaimed the Third's approval for her adoption of the wards. She handed them off to her brother to sign and file.

It was only fair he did some of the work – they were _his_ genin after all.

And so the paperwork was done discreetly, quietly, and without anyone knowing anything out of the usual had happened. Akari smiled a slow, pleased smile at a plan well executed.

The First Act had ended with none of the Actors informed.

 **A/N:** To clarify, this is not going to be an action heavy story. I'm not very good at writing action/fight scenes, and I did not start this story planning to take it that way. (It's why the genre is Humor/Drama and _not_ Action.) If you are disappointed, I'm sorry, go read another story – there are plenty of excellent Action stories on this site.

(They're currently _genin_ , i.e. 12-13 years old. Why are you so excited to see them in life-or-death situations?)

Also, would you like chapter summaries? If so, would you like them at the end of every fifth chapter, or would you like me to post a new story and put them there?


	5. Suna genin look stupid!

_Suna genin look stupid! (title by Naruto)_

* * *

It wasn't Akari-sensei who told him he needed to change his clothing because he now represented the Hatake clan, it was Sakura.

"Naruto, we need to talk."

He turned on a ridiculously bright smile –

"No."

"Awww, Sakura-chan! You know you love me."

"Just – no. I need to talk to you about something else."

He pouted.

"Fine, what?"

"Your clothes."

It was the beginning of the end.

(Or as Iruka-sensei would later put it, ruffling his hair, the start of a transformation. Naruto's Academy teacher would then give a fervent look of gratefulness to Sakura, who'd smirk.)

*I*I*

Naruto _scowled_ at the offensively dark, _angsty_ piece of clothing.

"Sakura-chaaaan! This has too much Teme in it, -ttebayo! I can't wear it! It doesn't have even a _tiny_ bit of ORANGE!"

An exasperated sigh. "The world does not revolve around the color orange. In fact, I think that you and orange should get a divorce."

"SAKURA-CHAN!"

"Try this one."

"But that's _black_ , -ttebayo!"

"It's navy. Deal."

Sakura was clearly losing patience after forty-five minutes and thirty-seven rejections.

"ORANGE, Sakura-chan, ORAAAAAANGE!"

She slammed her hand onto one of the various mirrors in the clothing shop.

"Not only do I have to deal with you _atrocious_ fashion sense and _unhealthy obsession_ with _orange_ –" "Sakura-chan, how _could_ you?!" "–but your effing _bright yellow hair_ doesn't go with ANYTHING!"

Naruto eeped and disappeared within the changing room, emerging with a solid navy turtleneck.

Sakura observed him critically.

"You look… decent."

Naruto opened his mouth–

"I swear, _if you complain that it doesn't have orange ONE MORE TIME!_ "

Heads turned. Sakura glared. Heads unturned.

"So. You look okay in navy, dark green and tan, and dark grey. And maybe dark purplish brown. Maybe. And everyone looks good in white and black, so those too, I guess."

"EH?! They're all so _booooring_!"

"… you can get _two_ burnt orange shirts."

Naruto turned on the puppy eyes.

"… and two clothes with orange highlights."

"YES!"

Naruto ended up getting muted colors for pants – tan, light brown, swampish green – and, of course, two burnt orange shirts, as well as a navy jacket _and_ two black jackets, all with orange highlights (Sakura had caved to his puppey eyes), and various shirts in darker colors, which, while not totally suiting his personality, fit his image rather surprisingly well.

Oh, they ended up getting the solid navy turtleneck too.

After Naruto complained about Sakura's bright red outfit, calling her hypocritical ("… wow, I'm surprised that you know such a complex word." "Sakura-chaaaan!"), she also got several new clothes.

"Dark red?!"

"You got burnt orange. I have pink hair – nothing suits me _either!"_

Killing Intent started to suffuse throughout the room. The poor girl with fashion problems was standing in a rapidly clearing patch of the room shrouded with a dark aura. Naruto panicked.

"Ah, ah! Sakura-chan! You-you look really pretty! Don't– ah, Sakura-chan, you're _scaring_ me!"

The store suddenly felt colder.

"Sa-sakura-chan?! What are you–? AAAH, WHY DID YOU BREAK THAT DOOR?!"

Sakura ended up getting several dark pink/dark red outfits and an almost-black-but-actually-green pants and a tan shirt. Almost-black-navy also seemed to go rather well. She bought three black and dark grey outfits – because if nothing else works, always go with white and black and grey (and add pink/red).

They… also ended up picking outfits for Sasuke.

(They wouldn't want him to feel left out~~)

*I*I*

Sasuke ended up even _more_ dark and angsty than he always was – he changed his white shorts for darker pants and added bandages from the middles of his calves.

Naruto regretted _everything_. (But he was rather surprised that Sasuke-teme had even consented to wear _anything_ they had given him.)

Sakura swooned.

*I*I*

Akari-sensei had given them instructions to the tailor who would sew on the Hatake insignia on their clothes. So they were dressed in their plainest, most civilian looking clothes and had on huge, bulky backpacks that had all their important clothing in them. Kakashi-sensei had given them the day off from training so they could go change their wardrobe.

They looked rather ridiculous.

"Hey, hey, Sasuke-teme! Did you bring the clothes we picked out for you?"

"Hn."

"What does that mean, -ttebayo?!"

Sasuke got a _glint_ in his eyes.

"I didn't bring anything orange."

"TEME!"

Sakura put on her best glare as heads started turning. They unturned. (She felt a small burst of satisfaction that was quickly swallowed up by irritation. _Now if only she could use it on shinobi too_ …)

The boys had started a fight. In the middle of the street. In full view of everyone.

Sakura wanted to die.

They eventually got to the tailor's shop. He, thankfully, didn't ask any questions at their disheveled appearance; in fact, he rather reminded Sakura of a lesser version of Akari-sensei. Very much a professional.

Naruto got the Hatake clan symbol stitched on the backs of his shirts and jackets, Sakura had it on the sleeves of her shirts and jackets and the backs of her dresses, and Sasuke also had it on the sleeves, away from the Uchiha clan symbol.

The next day they looked at each other and nodded.

Sakura had on a long dark crimson shirt (it could have been a short dress…), a tan jacket, Hatake symbol etched in silver on the sleeves, and dark brown leggings. Naruto had on a burnt orange shirt and a dark grey jacket, the Hatake symbol in light grey on the back. Sasuke had on a muted blue-grey shirt and a navy vest, the Uchiwa on the back and the Hatake symbol on the sleeves. Both boys had on dark pants with bandages wrapped from mid-calves – " _like ANBU!_ " " _Dobe._ " – and looked absurdly pleased. (They also all had armguards; Akari had shown them of picture of Kakashi-sensei as a child, and well….)

They looked like a team (albeit a rather _off_ one)

(Kakashi was absurdly pleased that Sakura had chosen such a practical outfit – now he could brag to the other new jonin-sensei that he was the first to get his kunoichi to change her clothes.)

*I*I*

Lessons with Akari-sensei continued: one group and one individual session every week. Naruto paid more attention in them than he had in all the years at the Academy – Akari-sensei made their lessons _interesting._

(Akari, upon noticing Naruto's _way_ with people began putting him into contact with merchants from outside the village – as they would have no clue as the the inhabitant of the seal, and therefore would be unbiased towards him. In addition, she would give him concrete scenarios, complete with drawings as well as props to teach politics and economics. When he would suggest a strategy, no matter how absurd, she would not shoot it down, no she would just ask questions about it, and with time, Naruto would streamline the tactic. He had an odd mind, but Akari rarely found a question that would leave him stumped; in fact, she might have learned something from his surprising plans.)

But anyhow, besides the pang of regret at missing Akari-sensei's lessons for a month (if everything went well), Naruto was _excited_. Kakashi-sensei had told them they were participating in the Chuunin Exams, and Akari-sensei had told him to watch for foreign nin and remember her lessons on intervillage politics.

But Team Seven was _totally_ gonna rule!

Sensei had turned them loose for the day, he'd looked sorta _tired_ to be honest, and so the three genin were walking around Konoha trying to decide where to eat after both Sasuke and Sakura shot down ramen (How _could_ they? Ramen was the food of the gods!) and so they were going somewhere none of them had eaten at before.

Of course, nothing for them was _that_ easy, so they ran into Suna nin.

"Oh wow." was the first thing out of Sakura's mouth. It was flat monotone, like Akari-sensei's, and Naruto snickered. (Cat ears? Really?)

The pink haired kunoichi turned to him, bowed formally and said, "Please forgive me. I didn't know that fashion sense worse than yours was possible. I insulted you wrongly."

"Ne, ne, Sakura-chan, as long as you acknowledge the power of Orange, I won't hold it against you."

Sakura straightened and glared.

"I take back the apology; you're hopeless!"

Naruto pouted. She didn't even _consider_ it. (How was he going to gain converts to his way of thinking? Most people seemed to have a _distinct_ aversion to orange and they didn't worship ramen as the _kami_ _of food_ that it was!)

"Hn."

"TEME!"

The boy with the cat ears and purple face paint looked offended, the kunoichi looked offended and secretly amused, and the red haired boy looked secretly (or well, not so secretly) murderous.

"Oi, who are you calling unfashionable?!"

Sakura barely glanced at him.

"You."

"OI!"

"Shut up." Sasuke sounded bored. "Let's go, we still need to find a restaurant."

Sakura's personality did a one-eighty. "Of _course,_ Sasuke-kun! Come on, baka, we still need to eat."

"Aww, Sakura-chaaaan, why are you so nice to angsty third of the team?"

"HEY! YOU CAN'T JUST INSULT A STRANGER AND WALK AWAY!"

Sakura just waved a hand dismissively and ran after her boys.

*I*I*

They ended up going to a rather out of the way restaurant that had okay-ish food and _great_ tea.

"So, what did you think of our competitors?"

"Idiots."

Sasuke had taken all of the tomatoes.

"I wonder if the Suna economy is as bad as Akari-sensei says it is."

The other two looked at Naruto, as if rather surprised by what had come out of his mouth. Naruto, of course, was obliviously stuffing his face.

After a rather awkward, disbelieving pause, Sakura broke the silence. "Course it is, baka. When has Akari's business sense ever been wrong?"

(She ignored the fact that she had only met Akari-sensei a few weeks ago and that what she knew was half-gathered from her parents' very _liberal_ praise of the Hatake Clan Head.)

"Well, because if it is, then this Chuunin Exams is going to be _huge!_ Cause if Suna's economy is _really_ that bad, then they must be desperate by now…"

"Therefore, be prepared for underhanded tactics, cruelty, and other nasty things." Sakura was savoring her tea, not because she particularly liked the taste but because she wa trying to see what Akari-sensei saw in it.

"Hn."

"Hey, Teme, are you going to contribute to this conversation at all?!"

"Watch out for the redhead."

The mood plummeted as the genin were reminded of the reason they left so quickly.

"Aah, _that_ person."

"We're so dead."

* * *

 **A/N:** This is starting to feel a bit crackish… it was written past midnight so that might be it. Also, tell me what you want to see out of this story – I posted it to for my own pleasure, but also for my _dear_ readers, so if you _really_ want something to happen, review or PM me, and I will see what I can do.

(Did I really spend a whole chapter on fashion? Yes, yes I did.)


	6. My cute little genin are growing up!

_My cute little genin are growing up! (title by Kakashi)_

* * *

"Count, baka, _count_!"

A whine. "Sakura-chaaaaan! Counting is hard!"

"Dobe. We've only gone up two levels."

"I bet you only knew that because you _hate_ stairs!"

A pause. Then, grudgingly: "…fine, I hate stairs too, -ttebayo."

Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"Come ON, Naruto. We need to at least make it to the room!"

"Okay, okaaaay!"

A few seconds of panting and feet on stairs.

"Why do these stairs feel so _heavy?!_ "

"Do you think they added something to leach our chakra? It definitely wasn't _this_ hard when we were at the Academy."

An agreeing "hn."

"You think we could use the walls?"

"What?" "Hn?"

The voice was enthusiastic. "Like the tree climbing exercise Sensei showed us!"

Bright blue met green and oxnyx. Then, in unison, they sprang off and stuck to the walls.

"You're right, this is so much easier!"

"Hn."

They finally reached the top of the stairs and were greeted by a rather bemused Kakashi, who tilted his head to look at the sideways genin.

"Yo, my cute minions."

"Sensei!"

His eye curved into a happy crescent.

"Congrats on making it here! Good luck on the first part."

Then he poofed off.

Green met blue met black. They shrugged. Sensei was Sensei. He couldn't be expected to change except in the presence of his wonderful, amazingly poised twin.

(Kakashi sneezed. He had _known_ introducing Akari to his genin wasn't a good idea… he was getting replaced.)

*I*I*

Team Seven entered the room and was met to complete dismissal.

Which would have been completely _fine_ if Naruto hadn't started stewing.

"He–"

Sakura firmly clamped her hand over Naruto's mouth. Sasuke gave him a deadpan look.

"Do you _want_ us to gain the antagonism of everybody in this room?"

Naruto pouted around Sakura's hand.

"Bbhuth thuur gghunurung uush."

"Ewwww. Naruto, don't _spit_ on my hand."

"Don't put it over my mouth!"

Sasuke sighed. Minutely, because if it had been any louder, his teammates might have found unity and ganged up on _him_ instead. (He shivered, remembering Sakura's _episode_ that had landed her in the hospital.)

"You guys should be quieter. It's not good to draw attention to yourself this soon in the Exams."

Sasuke turned, and gave the speaker his best glare. They didn't need any stranger butting in to their (rather dysfunctional) team dynamic.

The silver haired genin held up his hands. "Woah, I didn't mean any harm! Just giving advice to fellow Konoha nin."

And that is when all three of them exchanged hand twitches (glances were too obvious). If there was _one thing_ Akari-sensei had taught them, it was that information _always_ came at a price, and that it was _valuable_. (And even before that, _Kakashi-sensei_ had told them to look underneath the underneath – to question even authority – with his bell test.) So, excuse them, but they were _not_ going to blindly trust a genin they didn't even know, who was trying to give them free advice.

…instead, Naruto was going to ask the inane questions.

"Hey! Are you related to the Copy-Nin? 'Cause, y'know, you have grey hair and, and… well, you have grey hair! And you're not even that old!"

Sakura facepalmed. Sasuke's face contorted as he tried to process the _utter stupidity_ of that question.

(What part of Akari and Kakashi-sensei being the _last of the Hatake Clan_ did he not understand?!)

The genin (who had _glass glasses_ , how impractical for a shinobi) had a fleeting look of complete and utter surprise, before he _smiled_. The three genin shivered. That was _not_ a proper way to respond to Naruto's heinous question, even _Naruto_ knew that.

"No, I'm not. Though I am flattered that you think me worthy of being compared with the Hatake Kakashi. My name is Kabuto." He adjusted his glasses.

"Are you related to Mizuki then?"

"No…"

"The Second Hokage?"

"…no…"

Sasuke, who had had _enough_ , cut in.

"Dobe, there are a fair number of people in Konoha with silver hair."

"Whaaaat?!"

He turned back to the stranger.

"Why are you here?"

The stranger didn't _look_ relieved, but they got that impression.

"I thought that you might need a bit of help. You look like it's your first time at these exams."

"We don't need help."

"Wait, Sasuke-kun, shouldn't we see what he has at least?"

Sakura turned her brilliant green eyes to Kabuto. (She was assessing him, figuring out why he might have approached them. So far, she only had a few ideas…)

"Hn."

Sasuke turned away. If Sakura wanted to collect counter-information by using the genin, that was her business.

"I have info cards on almost every participant in these exams; would you like to see them?"

"Hey, hey, how do we know that you're not lying?"

Naruto leaned forward, and it was clear that despite his words, he was interested.

"Hey, how about you show us _our_ cards, and if they're good, then we'll trust you!"

"Speak for yourself, dobe."

"Teme!"

"Now, now," Kabuto held up his hands. "That's fine. Suspicion is a good trait for a shinobi. Here, let me show you the cards."

Taking out a deck, he drew out three cards with a flourish.

Naruto took them eagerly, and Sakura also leaned in to look at them.

"These are pretty good!"

"Of course they are! I've taken these exams seven times."

And Sasuke thought there was something odd in a person having good intel on almost everyone in the exams, but not being able to make Chuunin…

"Ano, there's a Suna-nin we ran into the other day – can you show us his card?"

"Sure. What's his name?"

Naruto scratched the back of his head. "I actually don't know…"

"What does he look like then?"

"Umm, red hair… creepy dead eyes… he had a really big _thing_ on his back."

"That was a _gourd_."

Sasuke couldn't help interrupting. It was painful, listening to Naruto try to describe a person he'd only met for a half-second. (Besides, he was also interested in the Suna-genin.)

"Aah, I think I know who you're talking about."

Kabuto shuffled through his deck of cards, reaching about the midway point.

"Here he is: Gaara no Sabaku. I don't have that much info on him, because he's from a different country, but here's what I have. Youngest son of the Kazekage, has been on eight C-ranks, and one B-rank. Pretty impressive for a genin – it seems like he returned from all of his missions without even a scratch."

Their eyes widened. _What?_

"Konoha, Suna, Ame, Kusa, Taki, Oto… the Hidden Villages send their most outstanding genin to the Exams to compete. It is a spectacle that even civilians pay attention to. Well, I don't know much about Oto, it's a fairly small, new village, but they others are sending their best shinobi."

"That's not particularly true…" Sakura mused. "While Hidden Villages want to make a good showing as a way to show their strengths, they may want to keep some excellent genin inside the Village – those who participate are the ones that may become high-profile later, so secrecy is not necessary, or the genin who haven't shown any particular skill, but are overall better than average."

Sasuke didn't know if the rest of his team caught the flash of irritation, but he did. Kabuto was attempting to cow them… but why? An intel gatherer wouldn't just use brute methods to terrify new genin; it'd be more likely that they'd try to broker an alliance.

But his train of thought was rudely broken into by the appearance of one of the genin jumping high into the air and throwing down two kunai at where Kabuto had been standing. _(An Oto-nin…)_ Kabuto dodged, sliding back a few feet, and Naruto and Sakura jumped back and to Sasuke, and they immediately positioned themselves into a loose defensive formation… but _they_ weren't who the other genin was after.

An oddly dressed, hunched-over figure used the opening to aim a strike at Kabuto. Team Seven did nothing – they did not try to move towards their fellow Konoha-nin, they didn't even twitch towards kunai when they realized that _Kabuto_ was the one being attacked.

They didn't trust him after all.

Kabuto didn't need their help – he dodged the blow cleanly, and the fist didn't touch him. Both genin were _fast_ , the incident was over without injuries in a few seconds.

Well, they _thought_ there hadn't been injuries.

Perhaps it they weren't paying attention, they might have missed it, but there was a sharp crack almost drowned out by the noise of the room.

A few pieces of glass caught the light, throwing the glimmer of light to the trained eye.

(The more observant genin began paying attention.)

Suddenly, Kabuto doubled over and retched.

(They were definitely paying attention now.)

Team Seven still did not move. Sakura's hand made its way unobtrusively to Naruto's arm, a silent caution, and he did not try to start towards the genin on the ground. They all knew that moving now would simply draw attention back to them, and while they all had an amount of pride, pragmatism rode out. They would wait and watch.

The three Oto-genin stood, heads tilted, arrogantly, and Sasuke thought _idiots_. What was the point of bringing the spotlight to blind them? It would only disadvantage them later. They would have plenty of focused assessment in the finals, in the one-on-one matches. The point was to get to the third round at this point.

(Arrogance was _earned_.)

"For a fourth year contestant, you're pathetic."

Kabuto shakily lifted himself off the ground.

"Put this on those _cards_ of yours: Oto-nin, definite future chuunin."

(The scrutiny of the room was only increasing.)

Team Seven faded into the gathering crowd, leaving the confrontation.

*I*I*

They had managed to avoid the rest of the rookies, an easy feat – they simply steered clear of the rowdy arguing. If they couldn't read the atmosphere, they shouldn't have _been_ there.

The rookies eventually settled, due to Shikamaru's accurate assessment of the mood of the room (for all his laziness, Shikamaru had a genius-level intellect and was pretty perceptive – his intervention had made their group look both immature and scared, feeding false impressions to the audience).

"QUIET DOWN YOU WORTHLESS BASTARDS!"

The voice resonated within the crowded room, bouncing off the walls and growing louder as well as softer. Barely there whispers accompanied the menacing voice, and smoke filled the air, causing wracking coughs in those who had breathed it in.

Sakura immediately felt her heartbeat quicken… whether it was from nervous excitement or something else, she couldn't tell. (What were the chances that the smoke wasn't _smoke_? It felt… heavier than smoke. She started breathing shallowly.)

When she could see again, one of the shinobi who had just arrived had restrained the hunched Oto-genin, who was whimpering in pain, as his arm was twisted behind his back. His teammates were a bit further back, looking both indignant and somewhat afraid.

"I am Morino Ibiki, the head proctor for the Chuunin Selection Exam's first test."

His voice was soft, but clearly the same voice that had announced the appearance of a crowd of experienced shinobi, all wearing dark grey uniforms. It was barely a whisper, but all of the participants could hear his rasp.

"There will be no fighting without the _explicit_ permission of the examiner – the slightest hint of disobedience will not be tolerated."

A muted sobbing came from the Oto-genin.

The whole room was frozen in silence, looking at the horribly scarred man, the skin malformed and uneven, as if the flesh had been peeled off and resewn by an untrained civilian.

"Those _simpletons_ that choose to test me will be _failed_ _immediately._ Do I make myself clear?"

The proctor released the Oto-genin, who stumbled and fell to the ground. He was hurriedly collected by his teammates. No one else moved.

"We will now start the first test of the Chuunin Exams. Instead of your current seating arrangements, you will pick one of the numbered plaques and sit in the seat assigned to you. We will then hand out the exams."

 _A paper test. Will Naruto be alright?_

* * *

 **A/N:** After the First Exams, I will be going on a hiatus (that _shouldn't_ last more than a month—if it _does_ [not before please], feel free to PM me or to review with angry, where's-the-next-update comments) to plan out the rest of the Chuunin Exams and further, as well as catch up on some of my other stories and _real life_ , believe it or not... Please excuse your poor author, who has been swamped by obligations both to her own stories and to her interpersonal relationships in a more concrete world.


	7. How to find loopholes and ace tests!

_How to find loopholes and ace tests! (title by Sakura)_

* * *

"Do not touch your tests."

Hands froze.

"There are rules that you must follow in this first examination. Questions are not allowed."

 _Questions aren't allowed?_ _Doesn't that mean we can interpret the rules as we wish? No, that's not the point… they want us to understand what_ they _want us to do, the point of the test._

Sakura smiled, slow and lazy, triumphant.

 _This is a test that Naruto should be able to solve._

"The first rule: all competitors start with ten points."

As he spoke, the words appeared on the blackboard behind him.

"The test contains ten questions and is graded with a subtraction system. For every question that you miss or answer incorrectly, you will lose a point."

 _You_ start _with ten points. You don't_ gain _points, you simply keep them – does that mean there are other ways to lose points?_

"The second rule is this: the final grade will be a collective score of your team. It is an assessment of how many of the initial thirty points you can retain."

Sakura glanced behind her at Naruto, four rows and to the right of her position, and at Sasuke, two rows in front of her. They were in agreement then – this was a team test, as Kakashi's bell test had been.

"Anyone caught cheating by the proctors during the exam will have two points subtracted for every offense. This is the third rule."

The proctors dispersed to their places on the four walls of the room. A hint of paperthin killing intent seeped out of the grey ranks, dragging the attention of the genin to them. The promise went unsaid: _they would be watching_.

 _He didn't say that cheating wasn't allowed…_ A quick glance at Naruto and a nod. _Only two points means that one could potentially cheat four times before failing._

"Understand that anyone pathetic enough to be caught cheating will be destroying themselves. As competitors trying to achieve the rank of chuunin, you must become excellent shinobi."

His disdainful gaze around the room made clear that he doubted anyone to meet his standards.

"There is a final rule. Once any participant's point count reaches zero, they and their team will be failed, effective immediately."

There was a burst of disbelief and outrage – many of the genin shooting murderous or frightened looks at their teammates.

Team Seven did not move. Kakashi's test had been a thousand times more insidious. At least Morino Ibiki was straightforward. They knew what they had to do – there was a high chance that the paper test would be too hard for them to solve or completely absurd, so they would have to cheat…

"You have one hour. Begin."

The rustling of numerous papers filled the room.

Sakura stared at the test, surprised that she could actually begin to solve the problems, that she recognized most of the concepts, that it was _actually intelligible_. What were they trying to say? If you have enough smarts, you wouldn't have to cheat? But that was blatantly _untrue_.

(And she knew that she could only begin to solve most of these problems because of how _much_ she had read – she'd devoured almost half of Konoha's public library and gone to both the Academy and civilian night school when her parents had held out hope that she might become a merchant.)

 _No. That's not it! The information gathering must also be a test of evaluation and perception – competitors must choose who to target and must choose_ well _, otherwise they run the risk of getting all the answers wrong… and the ones who can answer the test on their own must protect their answers from being stolen!_

Sakura could feel a headache coming on.

 _I can't act as if I know all the answers, cause then I'll become a target – so how can I solve this?_

 _I don't know any genjutsu that affects area only, so I can't trap my own paper. I could write out the answer in a variation of the Konoha cipher, but would they accept that as an answer?_

 _I could try to work out the answers in my head and then write it down at the last moment… that might be the safest option. I'll have to time this very carefully._

 _And what's with the tenth question? Forty-five minutes… will it really take that long to answer? I can't take that chance. I'll start answering questions after thirty minutes – that should give me enough time…_

 _In the meantime, let's_ screw _with the contestant's answers!_

Sakura read through the questions carefully.

 _Inner, can you start on three, six, and seven? They seem like the most difficult questions…_

'Sure.'

 _Good._

She turned over her paper and began to scribble furiously.

*I*I*

Sasuke looked at the answers and felt a wave of annoyance and consternation.

 _Tch. I can't answer any of these_.

He activated the Sharingan and discretely scanned the rows above for a likely candidate to use as a target.

Too bad Sakura was behind him. He was pretty sure that she would be able to solve the questions. (After all, in the Academy, she had never missed a single question in all the six years of tests – a ridiculously hard feat; the Academy teachers routinely put impossible questions for genin on the tests that utilised knowledge that they wouldn't have covered in class. Even Sasuke had been impressed by the former fangirl, as much as he had hated her attention on him at the time.)

*I*I*

Naruto sat back in his chair, hands interlaced behind his head.

From what he could see, Sakura hadn't even started answering the questions; she had actually flipped over the test paper to the blank back and was currently solving it.

He was going to have to wait.

(His plan wasn't particularly subtle or impressive, but Akari-sensei had told him to only take as true the exact words. His examination of the legal papers to become a ward had given him plenty of practice with the concept – so when the rule was that he lost two points per every attempt caught, it meant he _didn't have to be particularly subtle,_ as long as he only had _one_ attempt at cheating. It might be counted as two actually…)

(After all, the first disqualification came after the contestant had tried to cheat _five times_. So the proctors were keeping count.)

*I*I*

As soon as thirty minutes had passed the two members of Team Seven who _didn't_ have a Sharingan exploded into a flurry of action.

Sakura turned to the front of the test paper and sped through the answers, finishing within ten minutes. As soon as she put her pencil down, Naruto immediately formed the handseals for the Replacement Jutsu, snatching his test paper and switching with Sakura, henging in the process. (He had practiced the Harem-no-Jutsu so many times he could do the Henge without handsigns and with barely a thought.)

(Sakura had a moment to realize that Naruto's chakra was latching onto her before she blitzed through the signs for Henge, and changed into a passable imitation of Naruto (actually, it was almost perfect, but Sakura was being hard on herself). She slammed into Naruto's seat in a barely discernible puff of air.)

Naruto flung his test paper on the desk (silently flung, that is) and picked up the pencil, his scrawling handwriting filling the page as he copied Sakura's answers. Twenty-three seconds before forty-five minutes hit, he finished the second Replacement and switched with Sakura, both undoing the Henges.

((The proctor for Naruto was highly amused, and as it was a perfectly executed plan, he only marked down one attempt at cheating. The proctor for Haruno Sakura could tell that the Replacement Jutsu had been used, but he could not tell the difference between Naruto's _solid_ henge and Sakura and so did not even mark down _one_ attempt at cheating.))

Sasuke rolled his eyes at his teammate's antics.

*I*I*

The second hand reached the top.

"We will begin the tenth question now."

His voice was softer than the minute movements of the competitors, and yet the room immediately became eerily quiet.

"Before I disclose the tenth question, there are a few additional rules that are specific to this question."

It was then that the door opened, and the Suna-genin with the purple face tattoos stepped in followed by a proctor.

"Was your doll-play productive?"

The genin froze.

"Sit down."

He hurried to his seat.

"Allow me to explain the rules of desperation."

*I*I*

The Jonin Lounge always contained a relaxed atmosphere, and the first day of the Chuunin Exam was no different. A section of the room had been claimed by the jonin-senseis of the rookies, who sprawled on the bench, cups of sake next to them. Asuma was smoking a cigarette, and Kurenai was on the edge of her seat, as if she could bolt at any minute to the aid of her genin.

"Maa, it's rather boring without my cute genin…"

"I wouldn't worry about boredom," Asuma smirked. "I heard the first examiner's Morino Ibiki."

Kakashi groaned, leaning back and looking up at the ceiling.

"Not that sadist."

"…wait! _That_ Morino Ibiki? The Head of T&I?!" Kakashi truly thought Kurenai was going to shunshin out then; she looked almost frantic.

"Yep."

"Isn't that a bit extreme?"

"It's good security, that's what it is – not only will his department sniff out any potential threats, but he'll also hopefully scare the foreign genin." Asuma exhaled a grey, heavy smoke which sank to the ground.

Kurenai looked as if she'd like to object to that line of reasoning, but held her peace.

"Maa~ I believe in my genin – Akari's taken an interest in them…"

"…wait. Akari?! I thought that she'd died!"

Kakashi raised an eyebrow.

"Well, the Third never complains about her anymore, and you clearly didn't have any close emotional attachments anymore, so I thought…"

Kakashi sighed. "Asuma, just because you were out of the village for a few years doesn't excuse you from making blatantly wrong assumptions."

"Who's Akari?"

"Aah. That would be my sister."

"You have a sister?"

"She's not a shinobi."

"Oh."

Kakashi rolled his neck, cracking several joints in the process.

"Anyhow, the fact that you haven't heard about her, Asuma, probably doesn't mean anything good. It means she's up to something."

Asuma looked faintly apprehensive, while Kurenai only had a look of open curiosity on her face.

"What can a civilian do in Konoha?"

Asuma shuddered slightly.

"You don't want to know…"

*I*I*

 _Rules of desperation?_

"For the final question you must decide whether you wish to take it–"

"–decide?! What if we choose not to take it?"

The sandy blonde immediately looked cowed as the killing intent increased minutely.

Morino Ibiki merely continued as if she had not interrupted.

"–if you decide not to answer the tenth question, your points will be set to zero, and you and your teammates will instantly fail."

Some of the other genin looked indignant and about to voice an outburst, but the steadily increasing killing intent shut them up.

"If you choose to take the risk, receive the tenth question, and answer _incorrectly_ , that individual will lose the right to ever take part in the Chuunin Exams ever again."

Sakura, breathing shallowly due to the intensity of the killing intent pouring off of the proctors, suddenly realized that the whole format of the test was designed to create an _environment of desperation_. The other competitors were surely feeling the pressure even now, making it hard to think, to be logical.

It was Kiba who asked the most commonsensical question:

"What kind of stupid rule is that?! There are guys here who have taken the exams before!"

And _that,_ Sakura realized, made the whole question null and void. Because no matter who the person in front of them was, he couldn't be influential enough to make all the other countries agree to those terms.

It was then that Morino Ibiki began to smile that odd, deranged smile.

"Who said that those who failed would be _physically_ _able_ to take the Exams again?"

And Sakura felt a curl of horror deep within her.

"I'm giving you a way out; you can choose simply to not take it. Be grateful that I am obligated to do even that."

 _And thus begins the pandemonium of fear._

"I… I quit!"

"Me too!"

"I'm sorry, Gennai, Inoho… I quit!"

 _And thus begins a wave of cowardice._

*I*I*

"Ibiki and Akari are too much alike, in all the worst ways. They both know the human mind _completely_ ; it's what makes them terrifying. By attacking the mind, one can gain control over the spirit, and both the Head of T&I and the Head of the Hatake Clan are too liberal with their knowledge for any of us who know them to sleep quite comfortably."

Kakashi closed his eyes. Yep. That was Akari in a nutshell.

"Once someone gains control of the spirit, all weakness float to the surface and can be exploited by the controller. Which gives them an _absurd_ amount of power."

Asuma ground out his cigarette, his eyes serious instead of their usual detached look.

Kurenai gulped.

*I*I*

Team Seven glanced at each other.

 _This is a team test, and therefore we must all be of one mind._

Slight nods.

Come torture or the most strenuous of tasks, they _would_ take the test and succeed.

"You… pass!"

Okay, _now_ they felt cheated. What _was_ it with shinobi and their trolling?

 _(The horrifying thought: were Morino Ibiki and Kakashi-sensei in kahoots?!)_

Team Seven didn't really pay much attention to the rest of Morino-san's spiel (except for when he uncovered his head – there was a flash of resolve and horror) too caught up in the terrifying concept of Sensei _multiplying._

* * *

 **A/N:** I will be going on hiatus for the next month in order to plan out the rest of the Chuunin Exams and further. I do have a short involving Sakura's test paper, Ino, and our favorite Head Interrogator, so if you want that to be in the next chapter, please review and tell me.


	8. I feel a migraine coming on

_These insane proctors—I feel a migraine coming on (title by Sasuke)_

* * *

"Helloooo, bitches!"

The window lay in shattered parts, and the competitors that had sat near it looked rather shell shocked.

With a _fwoomph_ , a huge black banner unfurled and displayed the words: "The Amazing, Sexy, and Wonderful Anko-sama _is_ _HERE!_ "

"Mitarashi Anko, Examiner for the Second Test!–" Sasuke could _hear_ the capitals. "–You'll be with me for all the _exciting bits._ "

She was wearing a rather _revealing_ outfit… he blushed.

(Sasuke was still a prepubescent boy, no matter how he tried to deny it.)

"Hey Ibiki, you didn't leave that many for me to play with. Only sixteen teams…"

Morino Ibiki's expression didn't change. "This year had did not meet my standards…"

"Does anyone? Oh well, I'll just have to drive _these lovely competitors_ harder than _ever!_ "

Someone rather conspicuously groaned, clearly already tired. Mitarashi's eyes pinpointed the speaker, and in a saccharine sweet voice, she asked:

"Are you already tiring of me, _sweetie?_ Because I can reverse that…"

They shut up extremely quickly as the entire room started to glare.

"Don't get rid of all of them."

"Hmph. Spoilsport."

The woman turned to them. "Midgets, follow me to the location of the second test!"

Then she jumped out of the window (the window that still had rather _sharp broken pieces_ all around it and jagged glass clinging to the frames.

Team Seven looked at each other. Their gazes held looks of " _Oh shit, this woman is insane!"_ …to Naruto's " _Yes! This is going to be GREAT!"_ The other two facepalmed.

Sasuke got up and then his teammates did also—and with a mutual understanding… took the doors. Thankfully, the proctor was waiting outside the doors for them. She seemed _way_ too excitable. There was a pout on her face as she observed that they'd used the stairs.

"You guys are too boring!" she complained.

"No, we're not!"

…and that was Naruto. Sasuke sometimes wondered why he was on a team with that blond idiot; clearly, you _don't_ argue with a proctor who could potentially make things harder for you and your team. As Naruto got into an argument with the psycho proctor, he simply exchanged glances with Sakura, a look of consternation on his face that was eagerly copied.

(Please, he thought, _please,_ Sakura, don't go fangirl on me now and leave me the only sane man… but it was too late. He saw her brain turn to mush and inwardly _screamed_.)

More people began to stream from the building, from the window and the doors, though Sasuke noticed that those people came out significantly slower than the ones who had braved a few injuries and gone out the window.

And suddenly they were moving, following the proctor (who was _still_ arguing with Naruto) in such a confusing route that if he hadn't know Konoha, hadn't grown up there, he would have no idea where they were. As it stood, he still only had a vague understanding of their location.

Many genin were deeping in harsh pants; Mitarashi had pushed them to their limits and they had followed in desperation, afraid of falling behind, being disqualified.

"Welcome to the stage of the Second Exam, Training Ground Forty-Four, more commonly known as the _Forest of Death_." Her face was gleeful, sadistic, shadows deepened by the enormous trees that reached up to block the sun. Several of the genin shivered—the Forest contained an abundance of corrosive chakra, a sort of slow poison was only barely contained inside the fence… it almost seemed _sentient_.

(But that was impossible, right?)

"I wonder if I'll hear your screams from the Tower?" she asked conversationally. "I wonder how many different types of fear that I can categorize? How many of you will break, become a gibbering _mess_ , hm?"

Naruto opened his mouth, probably to say something _idiotic_ , and Sasuke slammed the palm of his hand against his teammate's face.

Sakura hissed, from the corners of her lips, "Naruto, _do not antagonize the proctor further or draw attention to us_."

Mitarashi quirked her eyebrow at their antics and looked slightly amused, in the sweet, you-only _-just_ -saved-yourselves way. Sakura shivered.

" _See?_ You do _not_ want to get your team killed before the Second Exam, _are we clear?_ "

Naruto nodded vigorously and then, in a fit of petty revenge, bit down on Sasuke's hand. The Uchiha yelped (quietly) and snatched the appendage from the whiskered blond. Sasuke gave his best death glare to the dobe, who only stuck out his tongue.

"Now, before we start the test, there's something I have to pass out." Mitarashi Anko looked almost innocent, and the whole of Team Seven shuddered with the force of the foreshadowing. "You must sing these agreement forms~~"

 _That was the sound of Kakashi-sensei's sadism. This was going to be_ bad _._

"What?" a particularly idiotic looking genin asked.

"Oh, did I forget to mention? There _will_ be deaths in the Forest, so I'm gonna give you these waivers saying that your blood is not on my hands and that I can enjoy the show without getting disapproving looks!"

The clearing was dead silent. (The Forest of Death groaned, as if hungry, as if _anticipating_ …)

Mitarashi broke the silent as if it weighed nothing more than a leaf. (The genin, on the other hand, felt it an enormous pressure, as huge as the Forest looming over them.)

"Let me explain the Second Exam, and then, my lovelies, you can go give your signed forms to the men in the booth over there as well as checking in. Makes you accountable, y'know?"

 _The men in the booth? What? Wait, were they there all this time… how did they not notice?_

"So, rules. Basically it's an ultimate survival test. First I'll give you a basic rundown of the Forest of Death." Mitarashi pulled out a roughly drawn map. Sasuke immediately turned on the Sharingan for a second and memorized it. (He felt an odd prickling in the back of his neck, but when he looked around, there was no one particularly paying attention to him…) "There are forty-four locked gates around the Forest of Death, the river bisects it, and the Tower's in the center."

She put the map away, and Sasuke could hear a few of the genin, especially those further away, swear. He was pretty sure that if he could hear it, so could the proctor. ( _It's never a good thing to get on the proctor's bad side. As shinobi they should be able to analyze the flow of power in a situation. Idiots._ )

"During the survival test, you will be asked to complete a certain task: using any techniques, weapons, or strategies, you will compete in a no-holds barred scroll battle."

"Scroll?"

"Yup! You'll be shedding blood over these two scrolls, _Heaven_ and _Earth_. There are sixteen teams, so that means, that half of you will get an _Earth_ scroll and the other half will get _Heaven_. To pass you must be in the Tower with both scrolls with you."

 _Eight or more teams would definitely fail. That was_ insane _, what were they thinking?!_

The proctor licked her lips sensuously. Sasuke shivered. "Ooooo, and to make things more _fun_ , you get a time limit of five days, or one-hundred-twenty hours~~"

"Five days?!" "What about dinner?!" Ino and Choji yelled simultaneously.

" _See?"_ Sakura hissed at Naruto. " _This_ is what we want to avoid, _okay?_ "

Naruto pouted.

"You're on your own!" Mitarashi was _definitely_ savouring the looks on their faces. "And the Forest is full of food. Just watch out for man-eating beasts, poisonous insects, lethal plants… Oh, and there's no chance that eight teams will pass. As time ticks down, the distance will grow longer and the area will be crawling with enemies—you'll probably pass out from sleep deprivation if you ever get to the tower… Some will fail because one of their teammates are killed or just dies from the harshness of the course… but that's part of the rules, so let me spell it out for you."

Several teams were already white with fear.

"You're disqualified if: One, you don't make it to the Tower with both scrolls by the fifth day. Two, if you lose a teammate—you need the three from your original team to pass. Oh, and if you feel the course is too harsh for you, you still get the lovely opportunity to experience it for five full days! Aren't you lucky? That is to say—" and here, Mitarashi's voice suddenly became quite serious. " _There is no quitting_. One more thing… you cannot open either of the scrolls till you get to the Tower."

"…what happens if we do?"

"Well~~ you'll get an _interesting_ surprise. A Chuunin must be able to handle classified information. If you fail to show proper caution, you could be branded as treasonous or executed by your village. _Nobody_ likes a traitor…"

A spike of killing intent. Sasuke's knees quivered.

"That's it. Exchange your forms for the scrolls at the booth, and a proctor will lead you to a gate."

People started to move.

"Final words of advice: don't die… or if you do, at least make it _interesting_. There's nothing worse than a pitiful death."

* * *

 **A/N:** Sorry for the wait… here's the missing scene from chapter 7! This takes place during the First Exam before Sakura writes down her answers

* * *

 _Yamanaka Ino and an unexpected confusion…_

In which Ino finds herself wondering why she ever thought this was a good idea, and Morino Ibiki comes to a terrifying conclusion.

* * *

 _"Okay, I only have a few minute to answer the questions, so I've got to make this quick. Thank goodness that I know that Forehead will be smart enough to solve this…"_

Ino opened her stolen vivid green eyes and frantically looked down at the test paper.

—I—

Would it be possible to use serotonin reuptake inhibitors, or rather, the affectation of serotonergic and catecholaminergic pathways in the central nervous system (that is, by way of presynaptic reuptake inhibition, blocking catabolism or receptor agonist/antagonist effects) to condition the subject to associate previous values and/or people with alternate emotions or psychological changes in order to influence their loyalties? By utilizing a carefully regulated regiment of enhancing (and depressing) monoaminergic transmissions, one could potentially keep the target in a disoriented fugue and, much like behavioral conditioning, teach them to associate certain images or concepts with certain moods. One could potentially reorient the subject to reveal sensitive information without backlash from his own self, as that self would have been suppressed. However, this method, if it were ever undertaken, poses its own complications and dilemmas. While certain emotions can be suppressed, the suppression in and of itself could be dangerous. A mind under strain is exceedingly unpredictable, especially if the target themself is not aware of the strain and can take no steps to relieve it. (Consider this a form of alternate Stockholm Syndrome, where the target can sense previous conditioning that contradicts what they are shown.)

Therefore it would be necessary to give the target a controlled way to release the tension, and this too can be manipulated to elicit the reaction that one is aiming towards. Consider surrounding the target with values or images one wishes the target to look favorably on when they are in affected by the enhancement of the monoaminergic mechanism. This would begin to break down previous conditioning and aggression, and when observation shows that the target is close to breaking, abruptly remove the inhibitors from the body and immediately present him with that which one would have the target reject, or allow them to remember the values and/or people that no would wish them to break ties with. This pressure would also come from the target wishing to demonstrate negative emotion to the images or scenes show when the inhibitors are in place and only finding the artificial happiness that has taken its place. (The target must be shown that they and their captor are not different, that they share similar characteristic—the applier must know how to use their body as a canvas from "trust" and "understanding" to be painted.)

Of course in all this, one must be subtle and know exactly when and when not to apply pressure. If one allows their intentions to be blatantly shown, previous learned behaviors may surface through subconscious rejectal and they would be wary of any other meddling. It must be handled with care, and the transition from one value system to another must be slow. Then the cost-benefit analysis must come into play—would it be better to use a time-consumptive system that may have a chance of failure to breed a loyal target? The surveillance must be extremely high for the first months, perhaps years to make sure that the conditioning has "caught." At this point, the question arises; do the benefits of an integration of the target outweigh the amount of effort used to change the allegiance of the target?

Therefore, the prime targets for this type of conversion therapy would be those with already wavering allegiances, or those whose minds are weak against mental intrusion.

Note: These procedures can and will result in dissociative fugue – when the target will appear "normal," no signs of psychopathology or cognitive deficit. This sort of "fugue" can result in a sudden, unexpected and purposeful travel back to the original place of attachment – to prevent episodes like this, it is suggested that light surveillance be placed on the target (there is no need for heavy surveillance in the usual cases as the target will usually abandon all stealth in the attempt to follow the strange urge to move to an unseen place.) The "fugue" can also result in loss of identity, and the target may have to undergo reconstructive sessions to regain the created identity…

—I—

Ino let out a silent scream as her mind rebooted from the overload of technical jargon…

*I*I*

Morino Ibiki picked up the paper of Hatake Kakashi's kunoichi student.

He did know what he had been expecting (the proctor who had been observing that row had let him know that Haruno Sakura had not tried to cheat at all – only was implicitly involved in her teammate's attempt targeting her). Perhaps she had had the intelligence and knowledge to answer some of the questions correctly…

His eyes widened slightly when he glanced over her paper.

One of the proctors shunshinned over to him and asked him (almost frantically) what was wrong. (The Head of T&I only wore that face when there was a severe deficit in information [as in the Wave fiasco] so the proctor thought that he was justified in being rather worried.)

"Nothing," replied the quiet voice. "However, I will be keeping this paper… it is rather… interesting."

Not only had Haruno Sakura answered all of the extremely difficult questions correctly and had foiled all competitors' attempts to cheat off of her, she had also outline a viable (if inefficient) method of interrogation/torture… this would be a genin to focus on.

He needed to talk to Hatake Kakashi.


End file.
